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What do you do when you're not the decision maker?

This question came up during my recent presentation at Lawrence Berkeley Labs, and I've been thinking about it ever since. It's easily one of the most common challenges I hear from clients - that feeling of being affected by decisions but not having the authority to make them.

Here's the reality: In most professional settings, you'll rarely be the sole decision-maker. More often, you're either:

• Part of a group making decisions collectively
• Someone who's affected by decisions but doesn't wear the "decision-maker hat"
• A person tasked with implementing decisions you didn't make

Yet even without formal authority, you can become a powerful "decision thought partner" who shapes how decisions unfold. I've seen this repeatedly with chiefs of staff, team leads, and individual contributors who've learned to guide decision processes without having the final say.

The key? Understanding that influence comes from asking the right questions at the right time.

5 ways to shape decisions (even when someone else has the final say)

1. Define what's actually decidable right now

I see this all the time: meetings stall because people are trying to solve everything at once. Try asking:

"What specific decision can we actually make today that will move us forward?"

Breaking larger decisions into smaller, actionable parts often unblocks the process. It's amazing how clearly framing the immediate decision can transform a stalled conversation.

2. Surface the true objectives

When decisions get stuck, it's often because people haven't aligned on what matters. You can ask:

"What are we really trying to accomplish here?" or
"What would make this decision a success six months from now?"

Another powerful question: "What's truly out of bounds for us?" This helps define the guardrails and often reduces fear of moving forward.

3. Expand the options being considered

One of the biggest traps in decision-making is believing the first or most obvious options are the only ones. Simply asking:

"What other approaches could we consider?" or
"Is there a creative option we haven't explored yet?"

This opens up the conversation and often leads to better outcomes. Sometimes your greatest contribution isn't having the answer—it's ensuring better alternatives are on the table.

4. Identify missing information (or people)

Information gaps can paralyze decision processes. This is where asking the right "who" question can be transformative. Try:

"Who has information that could make a difference in this decision?" or
"Who has expertise or perspective we should include in this conversation?"

I recently watched a team spin on a product decision until someone asked, "Have we talked to any actual customers about this?" That simple question completely shifted their approach and unblocked the entire process.

5. Acknowledge the emotions in the room

This might be the most overlooked aspect of decision-making. Feelings drive decisions more than most professionals want to admit. Try gently observing:

"I'm noticing some hesitation. What concerns might we need to address?" or
"What does our excitement about this option tell us about what we value?"

Simply naming emotions can transform a conversation from tense to productive.

The Relief-Regret Approach

One simple framework I've found helpful when you're not the decision-maker is what I call the Relief-Regret matrix. When the team is stuck, you can suggest:

"For each option we're considering, let's identify:

• In what future scenario would we feel relief that we chose this path?
• In what future scenario might we regret this choice?
• How could we respond if the regretful scenario happens?
• What could we do now to reduce the likelihood of the regretful scenario?"

This approach doesn't tell anyone what to decide, but it helps everyone think more clearly about the choices at hand.

I explain more about the Relief-Regret Matrix in this LinkedIn post. Feel free to share your thoughts or comment any questions!

Finding Your Agency

No matter where you sit in an organization, you have more agency in decision processes than you might think. The next time you feel powerless in a decision that affects you, remember that shepherding the process—asking good questions, ensuring clarity, expanding options—is often more valuable than having the final say.

After all, the quality of a decision is determined more by how it's made than by who makes it.

What decision processes are you involved in right now where you could play the shepherd role? I'd love to hear about your experiences.

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Until next time,

Michelle

Want to explore more frameworks and tools for better decision-making?

Here are three ways to dive deeper:

• Listen to my podcast Ask a Decision Engineer​
• Follow me on LinkedIn and ask questions in the comment section of my posts (I answer everything)
• Explore my self-paced Decision Toolkit for Personal Decisions + other courses.

Ready to bring these frameworks to your team?

If your organization is looking to help leaders make better decisions with less stress and more clarity, I'd love to design an interactive workshop or keynote for your team. Popular topics include:

• How to make better, faster decisions as a team
• Overcoming decision fatigue
• Why you shouldn't use a pro/con list
• Making good decisions when you don't have all the information you need
• How to be a better thought partner
• How to know you've made the right decision

If you're interested in booking me for speaking, feel free to send me a reply here.