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Reader

Exactly two years ago, I never imagined I’d be facilitating an “End-of-Life Retreat.”

But that’s exactly what happened in November 2022 when my mother-in-law, Joyce—a vibrant fourth-degree black belt at 78—was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. It was devastating, and for my husband and me, it was the first time we had to face the mortality of a parent.

Joyce wasn’t just my mother-in-law. She was a source of strength, a loving grandmother to my kids, and a cheerleader for everything I did, who only lived a few minutes away. Her diagnosis left us in shock and heartbreak, trying to process what the next few months would look like while also finding ways to support her and each other.

Nothing could have prepared me for the heartbreak of losing a parent like her.

But as someone who teaches decision-making skills and facilitation, I realized I could use those tools to help my family navigate this incredibly difficult time. I leaned into frameworks and emotional clarity to create space for us to have constructive, meaningful conversations about the decisions we knew were ahead.

One simple but powerful question became our guiding compass:

“How do you want to feel?”

This question mattered because it cut through the chaos—the fear, uncertainty, and overwhelm—and reminded us what was most important. It gave Joyce the space to articulate her wishes: to feel unburdened, connected to her family, and at peace.

It also gave us, as her family, clarity on how to best support her and each other. Whenever emotions ran high or decisions felt impossible—like the moment she chose to stop treatment and transition to hospice care—we returned to her answer. It helped us focus not on what was hardest, but on what mattered most.

Here are a few lessons I took away from that experience:

• Start with emotions. Ask yourself or your loved ones, “How do you want to feel?” This question can illuminate what truly matters.
• Create structure. Breaking overwhelming moments into smaller phases can make decisions more manageable.
• Externalize the noise. Writing down questions, concerns, or ideas can help clear mental clutter and make room for clarity.
• Balance planning with presence. As much as possible, create moments to celebrate or simply be present together.

That retreat wasn’t about having all the answers. It was about giving Joyce agency, honoring her wishes, and finding moments of connection and clarity during one of the hardest transitions of our lives.

This Thanksgiving, I found myself reflecting on Joyce’s memory and on the resilience and love that carried us through those months. I hope that sharing this story offers you comfort, clarity, or guidance for navigating life’s uncertainties.

In this week's episode of Ask A Decision Engineer, I shared more about this experience—how we structured the retreat, used simple frameworks to guide tough conversations, and found clarity amidst uncertainty.

Sometimes, the simplest question—“How do you want to feel?”—can help us find our way forward, even when the path is unclear.

Wishing you moments of peace and connection this holiday season,
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Michelle

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